Building Deeper Connections by Leading from Self
Have you ever found yourself in a disagreement, feeling like it’s just your defences arguing with someone else’s defences?
In those moments, it’s so easy to focus on differences—what separates us—and forget what connects us. The values we share, the qualities we love, and the humanity in the other person often get lost in the noise of frustration or misunderstanding.
According to Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), “When we lead from Self, parts can relax and allow us to be in relationships without feeling we need to protect ourselves.” This idea is transformative for relationships. When we lead from our true Self—the calm, compassionate, curious part of us—we can step back from defensive reactions and create space to truly see and connect with the person in front of us.
What Happens When Defenses Take Over?
When we’re caught up in disagreements, our protective parts usually step forward. These parts react from a place of fear or frustration, believing they need to guard us from pain or conflict. But when we let these defences argue with the other person’s defences, connection fades. We get stuck focusing on differences, and it becomes harder to remember why we care about the other person.
The Power of Leading from Self
Leading from Self means showing up with curiosity, compassion, and openness. Instead of focusing on flaws or disagreements, we can notice what unites us—our shared values, goals, and the qualities we admire in each other. When we approach relationships with this mindset, we create a safe and trusting environment where defences can step back, and true connection can grow.
When the Self in me sees the Self in you, everything changes. We move from conflict to connection, from separation to unity.
4 Steps to Strengthen Connection in Relationships
If you’re ready to deepen your relationships, try these steps to lead from Self and focus on what connects you:
1. Recognize When Defenses Are Arguing
Notice when you feel frustrated or critical. Are your protective parts stepping in? Recognizing this is the first step to pausing and shifting your approach.
2. Shift Focus to Shared Values and Common Ground
Ask yourself: What do we have in common? What values or goals do we share? Shifting your focus to what unites you helps you see the bigger picture and reconnect with what matters.
3. Lead with Compassion and Curiosity
Approach the other person with kindness and openness. What might they be feeling? What do you appreciate about them? Compassion helps move the conversation from defensiveness to understanding.
4. Work on Strengthening What You Share
Instead of trying to resolve every disagreement, focus on strengthening the bond you already have. Celebrate the qualities you love in the other person and the values you share.
A Reflection to Build Connection
Take a moment to reflect:
• What’s one thing you and someone you care about have in common that strengthens your relationship?
• How can you work on deepening that connection today?
When we focus on shared values and what we admire in each other, we create space for stronger, more meaningful relationships.
Are You Ready to Build Deeper Connections?
Relationships thrive when we approach them with compassion, curiosity, and a focus on what unites us. If you’d like support in working through conflicts or building stronger bonds, I’m here to help.
👉 Contact me today to learn how we can work together to create deeper, more fulfilling connections in your life. Email info@crawfweir.com.au
