Overcoming Resistance to Change: Building Trust Through Self-Leadership

We all seek change at different times in our lives, yet it’s often met with resistance. Why is it that something inside holds us back even when we genuinely want to grow? Understanding and addressing this resistance can be a powerful first step toward transformation.

As Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, wisely said, “Resistance is simply the part of you that fears the unknown. When we approach it with curiosity, it often softens.” This quote encapsulates the compassionate approach we can take to understanding our inner resistance, allowing us to move forward with self-awareness and gentleness. In this blog, we’ll explore why change can feel so challenging, how resistance shows up, and the practical steps you can take to start making meaningful, lasting shifts in your life.

Why Change Feels Scary

Making a change, especially a big one, can bring up a range of fears: fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of losing control, and even the fear of simply facing the unknown. When we’ve been a certain way for so long, change can feel like a huge leap into unfamiliar territory, and that can be not very safe.

Resistance is our inner mind’s way of protecting us. Parts of us may think that staying the same is safer. They ask questions like, “What if I try and it doesn’t work?” or, “What will people think if I fail?” These parts are working hard to shield us from discomfort or disappointment, even if it means keeping us stuck.

The Role of Self-Leadership in Easing Resistance

This is where self-leadership becomes essential. Within the Internal Family Systems model, there is a core, calm part of us—the Self—that can act as a compassionate leader for these fearful parts. When these parts begin to trust the Self as the natural leader of our inner system, they feel less afraid of change and more willing to take steps forward.

Building a Self-to-part relationship is about listening to these concerned parts with kindness, as a good parent might, and letting them know they don’t have to handle everything on their own. Self-leadership isn’t about forcing ourselves through fear but rather about building an internal environment where all parts feel supported, safe, and heard.

Why Incremental Change is Often More Effective

Sometimes, in critical situations, we may feel the need for big, immediate changes. However, for deeper, long-standing issues, gradual change tends to be more sustainable and effective. Taking small, manageable steps can build trust with those parts that feel scared of change, showing them that progress doesn’t have to be overwhelming.

Starting with gentle, achievable actions—like offering compassion to yourself or simply getting curious about what’s holding you back—can help ease resistance. Each step forward builds confidence in the Self, demonstrating to your fearful parts that change is possible, manageable, and safe.

4 Practical Steps to Begin Transforming Resistance

Here’s how you can start using self-leadership and small, intentional steps to move through resistance:

1. Identify Your Resistance

Notice where resistance is showing up in your life. It could be hesitation, avoidance, or self-doubt. Recognize this as a natural reaction and see it as an opportunity to explore what’s happening within.

2. Listen to Your Fears with Compassion

Take a moment to ask, “What’s making you afraid of this change?” Parts of us often worry about failure, loss, or judgment. Listening without judgment builds trust and helps them feel heard.

3. Start Small and Gradual

Pick one small, achievable action you can take. This could be a shift in how you talk to yourself, offering compassion to these parts, or simply getting curious about their concerns. Small actions help build a foundation of trust with the parts that feel most resistant.

4. Embrace Self-Leadership as Your Inner Guide

Allow your true Self to lead by consistently showing up with patience and compassion. Over time, these parts will begin to trust that they are safe to let go of their worries, knowing that their inner leader is there to guide them.

The Path to Lasting Change

Real, lasting change doesn’t come from forcing ourselves through resistance or expecting immediate results. It comes from allowing your true Self to build trust and confidence with each part, reassuring them they don’t have to face change alone. By approaching your inner world with patience and understanding, you create the conditions for all parts of you to feel safe—one meaningful, purposeful step at a time.

Remember, resistance is simply a signal from parts that need reassurance. By building a Self-to-part relationship, you can transform resistance into readiness and create a path toward lasting, sustainable change.

Final Thoughts

Change can be challenging, especially when it stirs up long-standing fears and doubts. But with self-leadership, compassion, and incremental steps, you can ease the resistance that holds you back. Embrace each small victory and remember that your true Self is there, guiding you every step of the way.